a little lethargic/growing up
At last, free time! No more restlessly prepping for a test or paper in the foreseeable future - the rest of October calms down. But with the release of stress, the growingly colder breezes, and the crowd of buddies who have a cold... I am a bit sick right now.
DANGIT!
I miss when getting sick meant a cough and a sneeze. Ever since becoming an adult, it is as if every bug is less friendly to my internal. Slow and tired. Today and yesterday and the night before, I have been moving through mud. Yes, in my physical movements, but mostly in my brain. It feels GENUINELY foggy. Not like I just have trouble thinking, but my head feels double the weight. And, as one of my greatest battles has been making my room feel like my room (getting rid of belongings, giving each item a home, etc.) it is a frustrating combination at the moment. I long to keep excitedly planning out what I want to put on my walls, where I want to store each trinket... I have made a little progress today. So, that is better than nothing. I can't help but feel that I keep undoing and redoing, looping constantly. But I have posters above my head now, and my clothes belong in certain drawers, and I have hampers and bins and places that did not exist a few months ago. Long story short, writing this out is helping me be less hard on myself about the progress I make. And then I think of what my room looked like in high school, and damn, have I come a long way. I can see the floor. It's easier to keep things in order when you view it as a form of love and invitation - keeping a slate not empty, but open for visitors (and in YOUR room, YOU are the most frequent visitor), elicits the space to have a chance to have meaning made of experiences and thoughts and choices made there - there is no visual distraction from wherever your head and heart may need to go.
So even if I need to take my free-time a bit more slowly, it is still meaningful. I get so used to being on high-alert that when the need disappears, I seek it out, I think that the blank space isn't appropriate.
For the rest of the night, I intend to do calm work with my head - maybe stay on my computer and plan out how I will clean my room. If I need a planner to get my assignments done and remember they exist, why don't I treat my other needs and goals and ambitions that way? I just need to make it something that feels soft to approach, that is precisely what I want my room to be a space for - soft, calm, relaxing moments.